I'm an artist...at my core, it's who I am. I have this need to create, to express, to feel, and the only way I know how to do that, the only way I know how to accomplish all of that is through art.
I'm also an addict...at my core, it's who I am. My drugs of choice are alcohol and prescription pain killers. It haunts me every waking hour, and doesn't rest when I sleep, or rather, when it allows me to sleep. At times it lies quiet, hiding in the recesses of my mind, giving me a false sense of security...of triumph. At other times, it's all I can hear, all I can feel, all I can't ignore.
I accomplished a little over two weeks of being completely clean recently. Then the physical pain resurfaced one day, and me, not thinking, took a couple pills, which led to a three day binge. Why is it when one thing goes wrong, ten other things do as well? Along with the physical pain I was in, a bunch of past insecurities resurfaced and then my support system I like to call my friends, up and vanished on me...not maliciously, they all just have lives.
During that time, I painted, I drew, I wrote...more than I have in over a month. It was exhilarating...till I came down. Which brings me here...
My fear is...I don't know that I can be one without the other. More importantly, I'm afraid that I can't be the artist I so desperately need to be, without being the addict I so desperately wish to defeat.
It will sound so stereotypical when I say it, and knowing that doesn't make it any less pathetic, but my artist is better when I give in to my addict. It's free-er to express what it needs to express, and finds ways of doing so that I don't seem able to do otherwise. My paintings take on a whole new life when my brain is unable to get in the way of itself. It's as though I can see things I couldn't before...express my deepest feelings that I would otherwise be afraid to allow to surface.
It's a bit scary to think that there's a part of me...aside from the addiction, that wants it to stick around for the sake of my art. Could my artist and addict be in cohorts with one another? A scary prospect indeed...
5 comments:
That is a scary prospect because gradually I expect the drugs would cease to enhance creativity and dull it. Your body is more forgiving when you're young :)
I don't know if you've ever considered learning meditation or engaging in other alternative health practices (acupuncture? yoga?) that purport to cleanse and open the mind and body. I'm not trying to be condescending or claiming such things "cure" addiction, but it may help you foster and unleash your creativity without abusing your body.
Um, that comment is from me, V-Grrrl. Long story about how I got to be E-Grrrl, but anyway....
It's a bit of a double edged sword, V. I take painkillers for multiple phsyical issues, none of which can be fixed without surgery which I can't afford; and without the meds most days I can't even sit upright, much less walk or work.
I have tried yoga in the past, but found it too excruciating...perhaps I just need a different class, or teacher?
Anyway, thanks for the comments, as always ;)
How did you come to be E-Grrrl exactly, anyway? :)
Hi CFS, how strange to come and read your post right after righting a piece about a friend who's struggling with addiction.
I don't believe drugs enhance creativity. I think it's the relaxed sensation or sense of well-being that drugs bring that brings the muses forth. Finding that place while in physical pain is difficult. I hate the lack of health insurance in America right now.
This is Jane. Blogger.com isn't letting me use my usual ID.
writing, not righting.
A fine Freudian slip.
Post a Comment