I think about the past...how much I hated high school, or school altogether, at least from fifth grade on; living with my parents, and sitting in the hallway, crouched against a door-frame, hidden in the shadows, listening to the yelling, waiting till it escalated to the point where I felt I had to put myself at risk to save her - and it always did; the relationships I once had, some good, some bad, some still missed;
I think about the present...how the hell did I get here, and where is *here* exactly?; debating on whether or not to take more meds, or just go to bed; wondering why it's so hard to be *me* and realizing it's because I have no idea who that is; curious as to the meaning of my dreams recently - being outed to my mom and/or father, and sometimes outing myself, but always with a negative (which is to be expected) outcome;
And then my mind wanders to the future...a scary place filled with darkness, with questions, with doubt and fear; most of all, filled with no hope; a void filled with emptiness, filled with the lacking of something, if that seems at all possible to anyone but myself; suicide seems to always be my first thought when regarding the future, and not always because I want to die, but because it seems inevitable;
Next to me, on a random sheet of paper here on my desk, I have written the word "silhouette". I was probably trying to figure out how to spell it when I wrote it there, but at this moment, it is very attractive. The word, resonating in my mind, and its meaning seeming fitting for the night.
This, as with all other posts recently, has been a huge downer. I wish I could say that I promise sunnier posts in the near future, but as we all know, nothing is for certain, and I don't make promises I can't keep.
-CFS
1 comment:
Hope is a precious commodity and as vital to life as air and water and food.
You have so many sources of pain, I can see why life seems empty and it's hard to imagine a better future.
Try to see the Future not as a big blank landscape of nothingness but simply as your next day. Try to find a better day tomorrow, a small series of better moments, of small joys, of unexpected good things. Look for it. Seek it out. Visualize it. Try to make it happen, that one better day (not a perfect day, just a better one). String those moments, days, hours along like beads and use it as a lifeline to pull you out of the dark place you are now.
V-Grrrl, Not E-Grrrl
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