I have decided that it is time to create a life worth living. Though I am not completely sure as to what that means just yet, I know that things will have to change, and that I will have to be willing to allow things to change, for it to happen.
There is so much to do and learn, to give and experience in this life, and I have spent far too long wasting time and opportunities that were just given to me. My depression, my borderline, my anxiety, and so on, have stolen my life from me, the real me, and claimed it for their own.
That is not okay.
And while I know that those things will always be there, that they will always be a part of me, it is high time I take back the control over my life, and actually start living.
When I go back to read this, it all sounds so very cliche - as though, perhaps I should be writing a self-help book that promises the ultimate "get fixed quick" solution. However, I am not trying to say that I know *the* way, or that I have even some of the answers, much less all of them. No, I am just acknowledging the fact that I have reached a moment in my life - a crossing of the tides, if you will - and that perhaps it's time I took a moment to look at what this other way may have to offer.
I will admit to this epiphany coming at a very conveniant time, as I am currently into my second week of being clean and sober. It is amazing how clear the world can seem when you are not struggling to see through the dense fog that is so cleverly and craftly created by the beast that is addiction. It is not unusual for addicts to have a period of revelation shortly after coming off their drug of choice, and while I am very aware of that, and the reality that this is that time for me, I am nonetheless enjoying the clarity. However, I must remain honest with myself, as that is the point of this whole blog, because as nice as it would be to be able to say that this is the last time I will ever have to count days, I *know* how many times I have been in this exact place before, and how easy it is to forget, and fall, yet again.
But for now, I am here - I am back, and it's a nice place to be. I think I want to stay.
-CFS
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1 comment:
Deciding to creat a life worth living and acknowledging that your depression and other mental health issues will be a part of it seems a huge step on the right direction.
In my late 40s, I realized that life is not linear, we don't move "past" bad experiences or "get over" our bad traits and bad relationships. Instead, we learn to set boundaries and live with them, "create a life worth living," while recognizing there are things that we can't change or fully leave behind.
Good luck on the journey. Don't give up.
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