When I came here to write my mind was racing, and pulling the thoughts apart long enough to categorize them seemed impossible. However, now here I sit, with the screen in front of me and the cursor blinking at a frustrated pace as I struggle to find the words that once flooded my brain.
I had a moment earlier...one of those moments where I know in the deepest part of my being, the truth. I know, because the words find their way past all the barriers I've built, and proceed from my lips with exasperated energy, forcing me to admit: "I can't do this anymore." Those words can mean very different things at different times, but they contain one constant universal truth: something needs to change. At times it means I have come to terms with ending it all because the energy and will it takes to continue on is far beyond my means and capacity. Other times I have come to a place where I am willing to consider the avenues of mood stabilizing meds, or even hospitalization. Sometimes I can't tell which place I'm in when I utter those words, and they only become clear once I'm to the edge, or looking back on them.
There is an uncomfortable vibration deep within my body; within my bones. It's unsettling and hurts at times, and keeps me on edge even when the rest of the world is still, like now. I'm going to try and sleep now.
-CFS
1 comment:
One of the difficult things about mental illness is finding the strength to pursue treatment. Even when the necessity of it is clear, the inertia caused by the illness can be crippling.
I hope you can find the strength to continue to try treatments and that the right combination is found to make your life livable.
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